working through the nonsense

This was written 5 months ago. Might as well post it.

i recall this conflicted state i wrote of at the beginning of my blog. This space of arguing forces pulling and pushing, of yin and yang toiling over for domination. and hoping to find some harmonisation in these extremes, a common ground where i am not so up and so down, which may be impossible. I think the truth lies in embracing the radical changes, perhaps I am just an extreme individual and the only balance is to hold and honour each as merely a different aspect of myself, and nurture them, instead of wondering why I feel this way? it gets pretty confusing in here.

I struggle with just wanting to put all of it down, put ‘myself down’, so that i can just get up and focus on something else, something way more important, find some way I can be of service, some way of contributing to something bigger… I reconcile that I give 6 hours a day to children, teaching them, not only english, but about the world, about themselves, about how amazing they are…

now i am sitting back in a place of mild depression. it has been clouding for 3 weeks now (or has it been longer?) weeks of inertia creeping in, weeks of pushing out those screeching negative thoughts, the sign posts of a hyper-vigilant mind that something inside is not right, weeks of demotivation, weeks of being stuck, weeks of thinking of the past. weeks of wondering how on earth i am going to survive another 7 months of teaching.

Let me not forget the biggest question nagging – what the hell does my life mean anyway? where is it going? what to do i want? and so much time spent on reading, self help book, the power of now, learning how to be an individual, to be more “me” when all I essentially want to do, is not be me, is not be a contracted sense of individuation, to blow out, extinguish, and join the guru crew…

and then begin the next round of thoughts, instructions even – eat well, exercise more, practise positivity, gratitude, focus, intention…. and all the brain does is laugh and nod. knowing. you have no idea. these dark words that slice and bruise and cut the synapses with their depressive snare, like cancer in the brain, feel a little stronger than your positivity, gratitude and intention. and i know. i could be anywhere in the world, doing anything in the world, and this fog would still be here.

i only hope to lose myself and…

extinguish.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “working through the nonsense

  1. Life constantly waxes and wanes, ebbs and flows. We as human beings experience this just as the oceans and the moon. Everything must exist in relation to what counteracts it or we wouldn’t know it to begin with. Keep pushing friend. The world seems dark and suffocating at times with no way forward or out, but small wonders will lead to light through the fog.

  2. Thanks for the lovely response Laurel. Tis exactly how it is. I am just truly grateful to be able to share it for a change, instead of hanging on to it – be it light or dark. Change and change again it will.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s